‘The Bachelorette’ recap: Season End, Rachel, Tino, Gabe, Eric

This is the second season Bachelorette The Superstars have already had their final men selected before the season ends on Tuesday. So this should be a breeze, right? Well, more like a breeze that signals the onset of a hurricane.

The final episode (which is three hours long!) begins with an oddly formal note, with host Jesse Palmer breaking the silence to say he hopes for two happy endings for Gabby and Rachel, but that “things didn’t turn out that way.” Excuse me. He hints at the upcoming “scandal and betrayal,” alluding directly to Tino’s “stray” and Eric’s “text messages.” Yikes. He takes the two ladies out for an awkward welcome, and then we pick up in Mexico with the dangerously escalating Gabby after Eric tells her he wants to date her first before her engagement. She is resolute: “I want him to propose to me.” But after telling her how devastated he would be if they separated, she eased up a bit, seeming reassured that they could get through it. We believe!

Meanwhile, Rachel goes to see how Tino did after her split from Avene, and says it’s “amazing, without a doubt, as usual.” Well, this guy is more confident than any human ever should be, but Rachel rushes away from it and tells him he’s the only guy left, and they share a flurry of happy kisses. We can’t help but notice, however, that so is Rachel Not She smiles as she watches this again in the live show. Back in Mexico, she and Gabe share a champagne toast pie together and scurry around their estate and how absolutely sure they are. Even Rachel says of Tino: “If it wasn’t him, I don’t know who it could be.” Yeah, we’re ready to shriek here, guys. Fasten seat belts.

It’s time for Rachel’s final rose ceremony, and she and Tino are excited as they hold each other’s hands. (We got ripped off a bit by figuring out who the Final Guys are early on, aren’t we, Bachelor Nation?). (Honestly, we can barely hear them above the gushing fountain and the ominous birds screeching in the background. It’s a sign!) It sounds great and all, but Rachel and her family just stare in the face on the live show, so we know it’s a bunch of lies. Tino bends a knee One and she suggests, and she says yes, and…wow we’re as happy as Rachel looks now watching this. “This is the happiest moment of my life,” Rachel says in tears… It just means it’s all downhill from here.

On the live show, Rachel explains what happened next: “It was really cool for a while” between her and Tino, but they “had a tough time” by the time the show first aired. She says she did her best to keep their relationship together, but “I didn’t feel that support” from him. She had hoped they could make things right by the end, but then Tino raised some vague fears about “relationships from the past,” and eventually, Rachel revealed, “It didn’t really work out. He betrayed me.” We cut to Rachel who consoled Gabby, who advised her to “kick him in the [bleep]J balls. (Now that’s a girlfriend!) Rachel also says Tino told her ‘I’m sorry to tell you,’ and that…not cool! (We just want to say we never trusted Tino from the start, and we’re feeling arrogant now.)

Tino arrived at a tense session, admitting that he had “mistakenly” and “kissed another girl” – but that made him want Rachel even more? Also, it was “the smallest thing ever”, so why are we even talking about this? He even brought his diary so he could quote the things she said to Rachel that made him think they were disjointed. When he says she refused to go to therapy, she says it’s a lie, and they fight back and forth for a while in an ugly way. He eventually came out furious, and the two gave vent to the producers and Tino cried, “Tell her to break up with me. Let me out.” He finally came back, but still stuck to his story of how “little” he did, and Rachel saw red. When she catches him in a lie, he acts confused and then turns away again, forcing her to chase him outside and demand answers. He begs for another chance, vowing to make it up. But she declares, “I’m done,” and returns him to his ring to thunderous applause from the live audience. Tino walks away in shame… and we feel like clapping too.

After some uncomfortable recap with Jesse, where Rachel says decisively that she does Not They still love Tino (and her dad Tony looks ready to punch Tino in the face), and they take Tino out for a post-breakup ritual – and he’s already booed! Apologizing profusely for everything at first, but still parsing the words and defending himself, Rachel has none of it. When he remembers again how he thought they broke up, she gets angry, asking, “Do you want to get into that?” She hints at personal stuff liberated from the previous confrontation (hmmm) and makes it perfectly clear, “We’ve never been on a break.” (Where’s Ross Geller when we need him?) Tino gasps for air here, and the live audience is about to choke him by the time Jesse mercifully cuts him in.

But hey, look who’s here! It’s Avene! He came out to applause, and Tino stared nearby, offered his sympathy to Rachel, asking her if she wanted to “get out of here and catch up.” She said yes happily, and they ran off together, leaving Jesse standing there awkwardly with Tino. So did the producers feel bad about Rachel having two devastating breakups in one year, so they put together a manufactured “happy ending” that wouldn’t last for a week? Likely! Even Jesse says it: “This is so weird.”

Finally, after all that, it’s Gabe’s turn. Still worried about Eric not being willing to get engaged, but she trusts what they have, and they all smile when they meet at their last rose party – but those birds scream again! Is this another omen? Erich knows she needs someone who is totally there for her, and “I want to be that person for you.” And he takes the plunge, asks her to marry him – and she says yes! We’re definitely rooting for these two, but after all this complete mess with Rachel, we’re also a little armed. Will they make it to the live show? What’s wrong with those text messages that Jesse mentioned? Back on the live show, he tells us it’s “not been all rosy” since this proposal… and we’re just getting ready for ourselves at this point.

Eric shares a warm kiss with Gabe when he joins the live show, so everything looks adorable. (And the mullet is gone!) They list their show, and they seem to be still together, thank God. But Jesse intrudes a bit into the problems they’ve had, questioning Eric about his ex-girlfriend who she claims he broke up with just to go on the show and “get a job.” Jesse even puts his text messages on the big screen (!), with Eric telling the girl that the show “isn’t real.” But that was before the show even started, Eric points out, and he didn’t think he’d meet someone like Gabe. He admits he didn’t handle this breakup well, and Gabe knows it. But she seems to have accepted his explanation, the crowd behind them – and hey, we need a happy ending, damn it!

So… we still have an hour left, somehow? Jesse kills some time by questioning Gabi about her new assignment Dancing with the stars I turned to three former singles for their advice. (None of them are still with their final menbut anyway!) In addition, we meet the new bachelor – Ex Rachel Zack And they started the new season early, with Zack meeting five potential women live and viewers at home voting via tweets to give Brianna a first impression. Zack didn’t get off to a great start, though, as he totally fizzled out when Jesse asked him to remember any of the girls’ names next. Well, you have four months to train, my friend!

Got ideas about that mess Bachelorette Conclusion? How do we feel about Zack as a Bachelor? Click on the comments and share your thoughts.